New TV Pilot Idea

“Better Human”

⦁ Wes, a normal 30-year-old dude, emerges from his front door wearing a cheap tie and a worn dress shirt
⦁ He trips and falls over something on his porch
⦁ He picks up a package addressed to him and rips it open, finding a brightly covered information pamphlet and a small vial containing two pills
⦁ The pamphlet says “Be a Better Human Today!”
⦁ He opens his door again and tosses the box back in his house
⦁ Wes arrives at his job in the back of a vacuum store as a vacuum repairman
⦁ Craig, his boss, comes in and tells him that vacuum sales are down, so he’s going to have to fire him
⦁ He receives his last paycheque and hits the streets.
⦁ Wes passes a department store and sees something in the window.
⦁ He goes in with his paycheque and comes out with a brand new fluffy pink pillow.
⦁ Wes goes back home, a man at a crossroads, unsure of his next step in life
⦁ He grabs a sharpie and a pad of paper and writes something in bold letters
⦁ With the piece of paper on his chest that reads: “Too Broken to Fix”, Wes attempts to suffocate himself with the new pillow he bought
⦁ Instead, he just keeps sneezing, later realizing he is allergic to the pillow material
⦁ When that doesn’t work, he lies on the ground in despair
⦁ Then, in the corner of his eye, he sees the package he tripped over earlier
⦁ He opens it back up again and grabs the vial of pills
⦁ Wes swallows them whole without water, without even knowing what they do
⦁ He reads over the pamphlet, but it doesn’t give him any answers, all it says is “Be a Better Human Today!” and has a phone number on it
⦁ Shaking, Wes takes his phone out and dials the number
⦁ It rings
⦁ And rings
⦁ Until finally, somebody answers the call


End of Pilot.

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Joke Explanation

“Everything is a joke and nothing is real.” 

     The world is crumbling around us. Just take a look at the closest newspaper around you. I’ll wait.

     See? For this joke, it is best to just believe that everything around us is a joke and nothing is in fact real. Like a dream. It’s not really a joke explanation and more of a defense mechanism to prevent yourself from going into a deep depression just by looking outside or turning on the television.
     Stay safe out there, folks.

Classic Stand Up Routine

     ANNOUNCER: “Introducing the main event of the evening, Josh Sales!”


*Audience applauds and cheers*


     Josh steps in front of the mic.
     “It sure is nice to be back in (Insert City Here)!”


*Audience applauds and cheers*


     “It’s always great to come to (Insert City Here) because you’re always so nice to me. In fact, I was just talking to someone in the back here just a few minutes ago, and they asked me: ‘Josh, what was the craziest thing someone said to you after a show?’ And you know what I said? I thought for a second, really hard, and I told them that it had to have been the last time I was in (Insert City Here)! A lady came up to me and asked:
‘Why did you include this in your book?’”


*Audience applauds and cheers*


     “Thank you (Insert City Here), you’ve been great as always!”


*Audience applauds and cheers*


     ANNOUNCER: “Give it up one more time for Josh Sales!”


*Audience applauds and cheers*

Poetry Corner

That feeling you get when your
Head hits the pillow
After a long day of lifting weights and
Noggin’ some fools online, just
Knowing that you have a roof over your head is soothing.
You know, 1 in 5 dentists don’t agree
On everything, especially when it comes toothpastes
Unfortunately, they don’t know much about anything else
Forget even asking their
Opinion, it’s probably useless.
Regardless, they went to school for a long time so
Really, they should know about more stuff than just toothpaste.
Early humans told stories
About the dangers of putting your head out the car window
Definitely a dumb thing to do because if
I recall, there was a time when a friend of a friend of mine had
No head left after they stuck it out a window on a whim
Grossly decapitating it and those things don’t grow back.

I call that one: “Three Stories in One Poem” and also “Read the First letter of Each Line to Make Sense of it All.”

Big Brother

Day 1

     Julie Chen stands outside the famed Big Brother house in front of a live studio audience. I am standing alongside 7 other houseguests and I just learned that the first 8 contestants are already inside the house.
     “Are you ready to start your 90-day adventure inside the Big Brother house? Then welcome to Big Brother, where this season we put houseguests who were eliminated first overall in their respective reality shows against each other!”
     I look over and see one half of that team from Amazing Race, that other dude from the Voice, that lady from Ru Paul’s Drag Race, and instantly gain a lot of confidence.
     “I’m going to run over these fools,” I accidentally say out loud in from the MasterChef girl, who looks at me weird. “Oops,” I say, trying to save face in the situation. “I’m the funny guy!” I add, using Jazz hands to show my humourous side.
     Finally, Julie lets us inside the house and we all meet each other and see the house. It’s so big! We all gather in the living room and introduce ourselves. I am still known as the guy who wanted to take a chicken all the way to the end of Survivor with me, which of course is not at all how I wanted to be remembered. I am trying to lay low, but that is definitely not happening. I let all the other houseguests know that I am now a vegetarian and I will not be talking to or making side deals with any chickens during the season.
     Of course, our night in the house would not be easy, as Julie set up the first Head of Household competition of the season. It was a classic. Whoever can stay on a rope the longest as it spins in a circle. A balancing competition. My goal was simple. Lose. Make sure I’m not a threat to anybody this early in the game.
     So, about 10 minutes in, I drop “accidentally”, eliminating myself from the competition early. About an hour later, some guy named Drew won it. Turns out he was also on Survivor and lost first the season before mine. Perfect.
     After the competition, we are all exhausted, naturally, so we go inside and sleep.

Day 2

     Today is nomination day, so I figured I should probably talk to Drew and play up this whole “Survivor Alliance” thing we might have going on.
     I go up to Drew in his new HOH room and small talk him a little bit.
     Then I bring up the fact we were both on Survivor and the mood changes.
     He gets a little cold on me and makes up an excuse that he needs to take a shower so I better leave.
     Odd.
     It’s fine though, I think. There are 14 other people in the house. Surely there are better options than me to nominate.
     Then we get to the nomination ceremony.
     Drew gives the normal speech, then delivers the bad news and boy, does it ever cut deep.
     “Josh, I nominated you because there is only room in this house for one Survivor contestant. The sole Survivor will be me and in order for that to happen, you need to leave.      And I can’t trust someone who wouldn’t even cry on loved one letter day. Disgusting.”
     “It was day 2,” I respond.
     Even worse, Drew nominated me beside a tiny girl who the entire house loved. Turns out she survived being hit by a bus. A remarkable story.
     I had some work to do.

Day 3

     Today, we play the Veto.
     A chance for me to win my safety and get myself off the block.
     For this competition, the 6 of us competing had to spin around in a circle for 10 seconds, then try to hit a set of bowling pins with a bowling ball.
     Easy stuff, or so I thought.
     I was the first person eliminated. Hit-by-bus girl even got further than me.
It was won by the MasterChef girl. Yes, the one who heard me say that I was going to “run over these fools.”
     God help me.

Day 4

     The Veto Ceremony.
     MasterChef girl (I probably should have learned her name by now) doesn’t use it on me, quoting my own words about running over the fools and apparently I’m too cocky and the whole house would like me gone. Plus, if I wanted to take a chicken to the final two over a bunch of humans, surely I couldn’t be trusted.
     There was nothing I could do.

Day 5

     Eviction day.
     We are all sitting in the living room as Julie Chen is on the big screen during the live eviction.
     She gives both nominees a chance to give a short speech to show the house why they should keep us, which is a something that Jeff Probst sure didn’t do.
     Bus Girl tells the story of how she fell in love with the paramedic who saved her life and now they have a little daughter together, and now it’s not time for her to come home and see her yet.
     The houseguests weep.
     I stand up and start talking about how I have met all these wonderful people in the house and maybe it’s time to eliminate the Bus Girl because she has a great social game and nobody will win against her in the final two.
     The houseguests and the crowd outside start to boo.
     “Okay, okay everyone. Calm down.” Julie tries to restore order. “It’s time to vote. The HOH and two nominees will not vote.”
     One at a time, they get up and vote.
     Julie comes back.
     She clears her throat.
     “With a vote of 13 to zero, Josh, you are evicted from the Big Brother house.”
     I stand up to leave and the entire house ignores me, until Drew finally says something.
     “She was hit by a bus man. She could have died. Show some respect.”
     The entire house claps as I leave.
     When I walked out of the house, the live crowd booed me. I went over to Julie who was seated in the middle of the stage, beside an empty stool. As I go to sit down beside her for the normal exit interview, she kicked over the stool and pointed right to the back.
     I sighed and walked out with my head down.
     A loser. That’s all I ever was and that’s what I will always be.

History of a Word

Dogastrophe

[dawg-as-truh-fee]

Noun.
⦁ A sudden and widespread fantastic thing that just happened
⦁ Any misfortune, mishap, or failure that was avoided, and instead something amazing happened in its place.
⦁ A bunch of dogs just hanging out in one place.

Believed to be first used right after the Great Depression of 1929, this word gained popularity as North American families transitioned into a suburban life. Sick of the negative connotation of its sister word, dogastrophe became a common word in the English language because it promoted positivity and good will. During this time, dogs became more accepted in the household and brought with them good joy and comradery, and the population wanted a word that reflected that.

The Previous Works

As this book winds to an end, I just want to take some time to promote other works that I have done in the past. They include, but are not limited to:

⦁ Harry Potter: Why Is This Murderer Still on The Loose?
⦁ Go Jump Off A Bridge and Other Witty Comebacks
⦁ Hangnails, Worse Than Child Birth?
⦁ Yesterday I Felt Creative, Today Not So Much
⦁ Bert and Ernie: Not Just Roommates
⦁ Why You Can’t Trust Clocks
⦁ A Man First, A Writer Third
⦁ Ready or Not: The Night They Couldn’t Find Timmy
⦁ Words: What Do They Mean?
⦁ The Never Before Told Story of the; Semi-Colon
⦁ Babies: Why?
⦁ Why Are Car Tires Black and 147 Other Things Nobody Cares About
⦁ Apples: You’re Eating Them Wrong
⦁ Strategically Placed Words